JOKES-KUNAL

namste dosto me hun kunal me  yahan kuch  jokes ka  collection de raha hun  aasha he  aapko pasand  aaega  or  mast  g  ka bhot bhot  shukriya  inhone   apne  dhabe  me mujhe  apna counter lagane  diya


1. Na Din Ko Light..
Na Raat Ko Light



Waaaah waaaah




Na Din Ko Light..
Na Raat Ko Light



GOOD NIGHT
GOOD NIGHT..

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Wife: Aap bahut mote ho gae ho
Husband: Tum bhi to kitni moti ho gai ho
Wife: Mai to maa banne wali hu
Husband: Mai b to baap banne wala hu



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Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai,
aaj nahin aaya,
kaha na kabhi kabhi aata hai

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Cham Cham kar ke aayi,
Cham Cham kar ke chali gayi,
Main Sindoor leke khara raha,
aur wo rakhi bandh ke chali gayi.


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Ladki apni maa se boli maa jis se meri shadi karwa rahi ho wo bhot mota he

Maa boli dar mat tv alag alag size k ho sakte he remot sabka 1 sa hota he

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Santa. Sabse jyada dard bhari delivery kis aurat ki hui
banta.sunny deol ki maa ki
santa:wo kaise
banta q k wo nikla gaddi le k

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Wife: Mere irade bade nek hai,
Aap hajaro me ek hai...

Santa: Dimag ke hum bhi DON hai,
oye tu pehle ye bata,
Baki k 999 kaun hain.!!

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3 idiots Best line --

"Neend k piche mat bhago,
Agar bhagna hai to padhai ke piche bhago,
Neend jhak mar ke tumhare piche aayegi.!"


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Aankhon me Aansu, Chehre par hansi he.
Wah
Sanso me aahen, Dil me bebasi he.
Wah

Pehle kyu nhi btaya
Tumharr Darwaze me ungli phasi he
Wah

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Jis Tarah Shereen Bina Farhad Mar GayaJis tarah
Laila Bina Majnoon Mar Gaya Bilkul Usi tarahhaan Usi tarhyeh
kabhi bhi mat sochna k main tumhare bina mar jaonga

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Barsaat ki raat, ek ladki bheege badan, bheege hoath, bheege baal,
Use dekh ke laga, laga.............kal ye pakke bimar hogi.

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SARDAR APNI SISTER KE SAATH BIKE PE JA RAHA THA.
BOY: OH! PAAJI GIRLFRIEND K SAATH KAHA JA RAHE HO

SARDAR: OYE ! GIRLFRIEND HOGI TERI MERI TO SISTER HAI.

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SARDAR- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ?
2ND- Gold ring de de
1ST- koi badi cheez bata
2ND - M.R.F ka tyre de de. .

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sardar: yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai,
friend: acha wo kaise?
Yar kal me ghar aya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard k sath bethi
thi.!!

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Sardar: yaar meri biwi ghar chorkar bhag gai..
mona: tune use pyar se nahi rakha hoga,
sardar: nahi yar sagi behan se bhi badkar rakha tha..

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Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....

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Santa:banta yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?
Banta: oye tenu eh v nhi pata Santa. dear jab auto main koi ganji ladki ja
rahi ho to usse kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI.

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Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

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Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola: "Menu koi farak nahin penda.
Pehle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon."

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Jab Gabbar paida hua to uski maan ne us se 3-4 thappad lagaye
Gabbar’s Father: Kya baat ho gayi?
Mother: Kambakht paida hote hi pooch raha tha KTNE AADMI THE....

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girl- aj mat dalo
boy- kyo?
girl-kal tum daal k so gya. bahut dard hua, me puri raat maslti rahi or pani bhi nikalta rha mujhe lagata hai ye

-EYE DROP BEKAR HAI-

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Ladki & Tea me hamesha 7Qualitis dekho:
1. Garam ho
2. Gori ho
3. Tez ho
4. Meethi ho
5. Doodh zyada ho
6. Do minute me taiyar ho
7. Raat ko Sone na deti ho.

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Little Santa to his mother:
"mummy:aaj papa ne bus
mein mujhe kaha ki apni
seat sammne khadi lady ko
de do,aur maine de di!"
Mummy:Beta ...tumne
bahut accha kiya:
Santa:"magar mummy main to papa ki goad
per baitha hua thaa!"

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Ek raat hoi barsat bohat,
Me roya sari raat bohat,
Har Ghum thai Zamaney k lekin,
Me tanha tha us raat bohat,
Phir aankh se ek sawan barsa,
Jab seher hoi tu kheyal aya,
Wo badal kitna tanha tha,
Jo barsa sari raat bohat,

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Suno

Mehsoos karo

Badal ki garaj

Bijli ki chamak

Barish ki ek ek boond

Tumse

Cheekh cheekh ker kah rahi hai
?
?
?
?
“NAHA LO”
EID Bohut door hay

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PROFESSOR: Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jantey ho?
MUNNA BHAI: Gandhi bahut jabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam,
par apun ko yeh nehin malum ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.

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MUNNA BHAI: Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT: Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI: Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT: Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

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Pared Se Pahale Kamaandar Ne Fauji Chintu Se Puchha- “Chintu, Tumne Aaj Dadhi Kyo Nahi Banai?”
Chintu Fauji Ne Darte-Darte Kaha- “Maine Dadhi To Banai Thi, Lekin Ek Hi Aaine Ke Saamane Ham Saat Aath Jawaan Dadhi Bana Rahe The. Lagta Hai Maine Galti Se Kisi Aur Ki Dadhi Bana Di.”


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Apki ‘smile’ ne saara jahan hila diya,
Apki ‘smile’ ne saara jahan hila diya,
COMA se jaage huye mareez ko permanently sula diya.


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Santa to doctor : Dr: when i sleep monkeys play football in my dream..
Dr:no problem just take this medicine before sleep.
Santa: kal se loonga aaj raat ko final hai.

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Taxi driver to
Sindhi passenger :
”Sir, taxi ke brakes fail
ho gaye hain
Kya karoon.?”
Sindhi passenger :
”Bhenya Charya, pehle meter band kar”.

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Bahut der ke baad train chali,
Muslim Bola : Ya Ali,
Hindu Bola : Jai bajrang bali,
Santa Bola : Kya Ali, kya Bali?
Ullu ke pattho, train to baju wali chali…!!!

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Dhobi police se: Banta ne meri biwi ki ijjat luti!!
Banta: Main press karwane gaya tha, dhobi ne kaha main
khana kha raha hoon, istri garm hai mar lo!


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Pregnant aurat ko dekhkar ek ladki boli – Lagta hai makaan
ban gaya hai, Kirayedar bhe aa gaye hai.
Pregnant Lady Boli – Mistri khali hai. Tere ghar bhej du kya?

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Dil hai to pyar hai, pyar hai to ishq hai,
Ishq hai to mohabbat hai, mohabbat hai to dard hai,
Dard hai to zandu balm hai aur
Zandu balm hai to munni badnaam hai!!!

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Santa driving on the wrong side of road..
&
Said…
O===SHIT===
Aaj phir late ho gaya.
Saare log wapis ja rahe hai…:)

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Santa aur Banta train ke peeche bhag rahe the.
Santa chadh gaya, to train me logo ne kaha “WEL DONE”
Santa – Khaak well done, jana to usey tha,
mein to usey chhodne aaya tha!

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Ali ke 4 baache hue, naam rakhe Yusuf Ali,
Altaf Ali, Irfan Ali, Asif Ali,
Fir 5va or 6va bacha hua to Ali ke begum
ne naam rakhe – Bas-Kar Ali, Raham-Ali

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Customer: Ek kilo gaay(cow) ka doodh dena.
Shopkeper: Lekin tumhara bartan toh bahut chhota hai.
Customer: Theek hai toh phir bakri ka de de!!

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Santa to Banta : Yeh bacha tumhara kya lagta hai?
Banta : yeh mera door ka bhai hai,
Santa : Door ka mein samjha nahin,
Banta : Ess k aur mere beech 8 behan bhai aur hai !

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Santa : Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man : Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Santa : Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai!

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Ek baar ek videshi India aya tha,
Usne Taj Mahal ko dekhkar kisi se puch ki ye Taj Mahal kaun banaya?
Wo admi bola – Pata nahi.
Videshi ne samjha ko pata nahi ne banaya.
Phir videshi jaipur Jai Mahal ko dekha aur pucha ye kaun banaya?
Kisi ne kaha pata nahi?
Videshi bola ye bhi pata nahi ne banaya aacha banaya.
Phir wo Delhi gaya aur udhar Qutab Minar ko dekha aur kisi se pucha ye kaun banaya?
Usne bhi kaha pata nahi..
Videshi ne socha ye bhi pata nahi ne banaya..What a nice things yaar?
Definately I will meet him..
After some time he saw dead body and asked somebody ye kaun hai.
Paas khade ek aadmi ne kaha – Pata nahi.
Videshi udaas hokar kaha : Meri to kismat hi kharab hai milne se pehle hi pata nahi maar gaya!!!


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Apne smart hone par itna guroor na karo, Sab do din ki masti hai..
Aapki khubsurti bhi tab tak hai, jab tak FAIR & LOVELY sasti hai…!!!


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Welcome to “Sach ka samna”
.
.
Jawab sirf haan ya na me dena hai
Toh lo aapke liye pehla sawal

Kya aapne mandiro se chappal churana chor diya hai

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Modern Heer – Mein tumhare ishq me barbaad ho gai,
lut gayi, meri duniya rushwa ho gayi…
Modern Ranjha – To karmjali, mein kaun sa bank
managar ban gaya ;)

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Santa 100 ke note par likha number dial kar raha tha.
Banta – Ye tum kya kar rahe ho? Santa – Yar me dekh raha
hu ki Gandhiji to chale gaye par unka mobile kiske paas hai.

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Ek aadmi ne conductor se pucha: Aap kitne
ghante bus me rehte ho?
Jawab : 24 hours. Wo kaise?
Jawab Mila : 8 ghante city bus me
baaki 16 ghante biwi ke “BASME”!

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Girls of 1995 – “Agar tum mil jao zamana chor denge hum”
Girls of 2010 – “Agra tum mil jao purana chor denge hum!”

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Raat ke 3 baje santa ke number par phone
aaya – Hello yaha Fatima Mehfooz rehti hai kya?
Santa : Kutte itni raat ko Fatima mere paas
hoti to mehfooz rehti kya?

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Sabse maasum dhamki : Jab chor chori
karke ghar se bhaag raha tha,
tab bachcha jaag gaya aur bola,
“Mera school bag bhi le ja KAMINE warna”
mummy ko jaga dunga.”

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Har gum ko pala nai jata,
Kanch ki chizo ko uchala nai jata,
Kuch karna hi to mehnat karo yaro,
Har baat ko “All is WELL” bolke tala nahi jata!


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10th class ka student : Mein fail hona chahta hu
Dost : Kyun?
Student : Papa ne kaha hai ki 1st aaya,
to science dilvaunga, 2nd aaya to arts,
fair hua to shadi kara denge!

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Jab question paper ho out of control,
Answer sheet ko karke fold,
Aeroplane banake bol..
…..
…..
…..
…..
…..
…..

All is fail !


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Jyotish ladke ke haath dekhkar bola
“Beta tum bahut padhoge”
Ladka : Saale padh to mein 3 saal se raha hu,
ye bata paas kab hounga???

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Dad : Ess Baar exam me paas ho ya fail
BIKE zarur dilaunga.
Son : Kaunsi bike?
Dad : Pass he to “APACHE”
college jane ke liye.
Fail hue to “RAJDOOT” dood bechne ke liye

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Wife : Darling kuch Saal Pehle Mera Figure COKE Bottle jesa Tha
Husband gusse se bola : Figure To Aaj B Coke jesa hi hai.
Pehle Reguler Bottle thi ab jumbo pack hai.

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Wife : Ye aap ki shirt per lipstick ka nishan
kahan se aaya?
Husband : Mein khud paresaan hu nishan dekhkar.
Maine tu uss wakt shirt utari hui thi.


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Wife shopping karke wapas aayi,
To husband wife se samaan laate hue bola,
“Zaror Tm Mere Khane K Lye Kch Lai Hogi?”
Wife : Bilkul theek kaha, esme mere new sandel hain!!!

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Wife Saw Sign Board:

Nylon Saree
Rs.8/-
Cotton Saree
Rs.5/-
Banarsi Saree
Rs.10/-

Wife: Give me Rs.500 I’ll buy 50 Sarees.

Husband: Andhi! Dhobi ki dukaan hai

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Husband to Wife : Mein shaadi se pehle 20 auraton ke saath so chuka hoon.

Wife : Mujhe pata tha ki jab kundli mili hai to aadatein bhi zarur milti hogi!!!


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On first night after marriage

Wife : Mujhe ghabrahat ho rahi hai.

Husband : I thinK because this is your first night.

Wife : No, no.. Actually it is first time in night…

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Santa ki amma maar gayi.
Ek aadmi bola – amma mujhe bhi le jati apne saath.
Do char aur bole – haan amma hume bhi le jati
Santa Bola – Chup ho jao gadho.
Amma kya sumo karke gayi hai??

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Ravana : Cigeratte hai kya?
Hanuman : Nahi Hai.
Ram : Ek packet hai na.
Hanuman : Aap chup rahiye prabhu. Iske 10 sir hain.
Pura packet khatam ho jayega.

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Santa by mistake goes into a ladies toilet.
All ladies suddenly stand up
Santa : Izzat dil me ho yehi kaafi hai,
Baitho Baitho…:)

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Yamraj asks 3 ladies -
Kabhi kiss kiya?
1st lady : Shadi se pehle.
Yamraj : Chal Nark me.
2nd Lady : Shaadi ke baad.
Yamraj : Chal Swarg me.
3rd Lady : Na pehle na baad me.
Yamraj : Chal kamre me!!!


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Doctor : Aab tabiyat kaisi hai?
Santa : Pehle se jyada kharab hai.
Doctor : Dawai khali thi?
Santa : Nahi dawai ki sishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : I mean dawai le li thi?
Santa : Ji aapne di to meine le li thi.
Doctor : Bewkoof dawai pee li thi?
Santa : Nahi dawai to laal thi.
Doctor : Abe gadhe dawai ko pee liya tha?
Santa : Nahi sir peelia to mujhe tha!!!

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Lady: Baba mera pati kab sudhrenga?
Baba: Pati ko laye ho?
Lady: Nahi.
Baba: Koi baat nahi, apna blouse kholiye
Lady: Kyun?
Baba: Pati ki hath ki rekha dekhni hai!!!

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Ladki: Bhaiya 12 kele dedo
Fruit Wala: Ye lo behen.
Ladki: Yeh to naram hai thode kadak de do
Fruit Wala: kya madam kabhi to khane k liye liya karo..!!!

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Santa to Autodriver : Gurudware Jaoge?
Driver : Haan bilkul jaunga?
Santa ne jeb se polythin nikala aur bola : Wapas aana to mere
liye langar le aana!

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Doctor to Female : Kya aap delivery ke time baache ke pita ko
apne paas dekhna chahenge?
Female : Nahi, unhe mere pati pasand nahi karte!!!


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Ek baar ek terrorist ne ek budhiya ke ghar me bomb rakh diya.
Log chillaye – Budhiya bomb hai, Budhiya bomb hai.
Budhiya sarmakar boli : Dhatt teri, wo to mein jawani me thi!!!

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Autowala to Santa : Sahab, 100 rupaye ho gaye.
Santa ne 50 rupaye autowale ko de diye.
Autowala : Sahab ye to gundagardi hai, meter ki hisab se 100 rupaye hue hai.
Santa : Tu bhi to baithkar aaya hai, tera kiraya bhi kya mujhe dena parega!!!

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Girl-to-Boy – Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya,
mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya
Boy-to-Girl – Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi,
bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi.


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Santa ne Banta se kaha,”Sabse bada challenge kya hai?”
Banta replied – Answer sheet ko khaali chod do aur last me likh dena,
paas karke dikha.



ME  AAJKAL DHABA CHOR K CHAY  WALA BAN GAYA HUN

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